Weakest Of The Week’s Half-Fast Recap: Buffalo *expletive* Sucks, Pardon My French

They say to be the man you have to beat the man, but what happens if you can’t beat any man?

The Buffalo Bulls opened their 2016 season in style, losing quite a shitty game 22-16 against the non-FCS powerhouse Albany Great Danes and thereby spoiling what stood out as one of the best occasions for the team to send home the Buffalo faithful happy in a year where such occasions are a dime a dozen. (Kidding! The Buffalo faithful never go home happy anyway because THEIR HOME IS BUFFALO.)

Bad FCS team Albany jumped ahead in the fourth quarter when QB1 Neven Sussman (a great name which my computer autocorrects to Susan FYI) connected with Brad Harris for a 35-yard touchdown. That six-point cushion might as well have been 18,273 because it was functionally unsurmountable for Buffalo. On the Great Danes side, Sussman got a whopping 113 yards through the air, with two touchdowns, while Elijah Ibitokun-Hanks got 104 yards on the ground—which I guess is cool, I dunno. The Danes converted all of one of their 12 third down attempts on their way to a homeless man-like 238 yards of total offense.

Somehow, it was enough for the win. Buffalo, you see, felt entirely too charitable for people living in Buffalo (“help me help you,” you know?) and turned the ball over not one, not two, not three, but four times. Jordan Johnson managed 114 yards on a cool five yards per carry for the Bulls, but what’s the point if your QB keeps shooting yourselves in the foot? You’re in Buffalo, dude, don’t give us another reason to make fun of you.

Buffalo quarterback and sporter of snobby-name Grant Rohach started the game I guess? I don’t know, fuck it. This boring ass game deserves for this boring ass recap to continue in French. You live close to the Canadian border, Buffalonians; learn a second language. You forced me to write this thing, so I’ll force you to use Google Translate.

So yeah, Rohach a fait ça ou whatever puis a réussi cinq de ses 9 premières passes: trois à sa team, et les deux autres aux gars de Albany. Deux maudites INT. Donc j’imagine que le coach de Buffalo était pissed pis a changé Grant pour son autre scrub, Tyree “Mon Ami” Jackson pour le reste de la partie ou qqch. Parce que le box score dit que c’est TJ. Puis que TJ a bien fait pour un gars pour Buffalo, il a fait qqes bonnes passes et des courses aussi.

Mais tu sais ce qu’on dit, right? Tu peux chasser la médiocrité, mais ton Buffalo Bull va toujours revenir au galop.

Pcq le Tyree, il a fait des niaiseries aussi. Oui. En fin du match, les Bulls s’étaient fâchés et menaçaient. Y’avaient réussi un 4th and 1 pis là ils étaient en 4th and 6 de la 9 de Albany avec genre quatre minutes à jouer.

C’est là que tu te dis prends le first down; pas besoin de tout manger tout de suite. Je sais que t’es gourmand, mais un first down c’est assez. Ton cake, tu le mangeras après ton first down.

Mais non. Le Tyree, il a vu son cake dans la end zone donc il a sauté de la ligne de 2 et demi. Il a glissé avant le touché, pis là ses mains y’ont échappé le ballon. Le ballon est allé rejoindre le cake dans la end zone, puis finalement c’est Albany qui a tout mangé. C’était un touchback.

Game over. Oops.

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