We don’t pretend to be pros at this, and never have…but maybe we should?
In weak one, this column crowned the SMU vs North Texas game, which turned out to be a mistake, but we also highlighted the Wake Forest game as a runner-up. And last Thursday night, the Demon Deacons wet the bed, «winning» 7-3 against the hapless and overcomplicating Tulane Green Wave.
We’d like to give ourselves a nice pat on the bottom for correctly anticipating the disaster that this game turned out to be.
But time waits for no man and nothing, not even a nice pat on the back between two teammates. A win in weak 1 only means you have delayed the inevitable pantsing by at least another weak, while a loss gives you a chance to build on this. Don’t sleep on life but football’s different than life. You snooze, you lose, and you end up here with the rest of us.
On to the football now, weak 2 has many different choices of the same menu of likely blow-out games between CFB royalty and its armpit. Picking the right weekest game is akin to asking a Labrador to pick out the smelliest asshole at the dog park; some are better than others, but you can’t go wrong either way. And luckily for the reader, this dog has quite the nose.
Runner-Up Game: Louisiana-Monroe at Oklahoma Sooners
Somehow, the Oklahoma Sooners had a big game to start this 2016 season and Big Game Bob Stoops fell flat on his face. NO ONE could have seen this coming. The Houston Cougars deservedly got the win, and I could watch that “Stoops calls timeout before the field goal, Herman puts his FG return unit on the field, unit gets the missed kick and takes it to the house” sequence in a loop forever.
We have this timeless classic too.
The Sooners should whip the ball a whole lot more, because losing a game to a team from the AAC, even one as talented as Houston, is a nay-nay, amirite? Hehehe
(In all reality, the Sooners probably needed to run the ball a whole lot more. Joe Mixon and Samaje Perine averaged like 13,928 yards per run but only received 12 combined carries; a sustained effort on the ground would have helped Oklahoma’s future The Bachelor contestant from the clip above.)
In 2015, the ULM Warhawks “never had a chance” and, though they already have a win in 2016, I reckon this still holds true.
No, Lloyd. Fuck you. There is no chance and no hope whatsoever for ULM this weak. The Warhawks lay 46.5 points, but it may as well be a thousand. Pick the Sooners; ULM is your banana stand.
The Weakest Of The Week: Idaho Vandals at Washington Huskies
The cold war with Moscow continues this season, as I waste no time in pretending that there is another team I would prefer throwing to the coals than this one. With Paul “The Other” Petrino at the helm, the Idaho Vandals have been an embarrassment of a football team and will be put out of their misery by the #FunBelt after this season.
But until then? The good times, they keep a-rolling, ah, right by Idaho and its little itty bitty
Kiddie Kibbie Dome and moving the fuck out of town. There’s no saving grace, despite what the God might think and despite *gasp* what my esteemed editor might have thought in a different life.
Don’t listen to the prognosis of these two emissaries; the Vandals would like you to know that they are angry, oh so angry but who gives an eff? Certainly not conference commissionner Karl Benson, who went ahead and knifed the Idaho program right through the heart. Et tu, Karl? Si, et soy. (Please marvel at my Spanish game.)
QB1 Matt Linehan is a guy, so is RB Aaron Duckworth and, like, the things the cat (i.e. because he’s been reinstated about 9 times) Dezmon Epps does on a football field are as great as those he does off are terrible, but whatever.
The Washington Huskies play in this game too. Who cares, it’s all about Idaho. The Vandals may go bowling, alright—as in, literal bowling. But there’s no chance they get a perfect 300.