If a tree falls and no one’s there to hear it, and all that good stuff.
It may have taken us all of 10 weaks, but finally we’ve relented.
After 10 weaks we’re putting this dog out of its misery. Gone from this experiment of a CFB column that is this space, gone from it will be, as our esteemed editor put it, the dog-sniffing-an-asshole jokes.
Well let’s turn once more to our esteemed editor.
No offense, but it’s hard to reuse the exact same joke 8 times, let alone 14 times
First off, dang man OUCH! This dog has FEELINGS! Well no, not this dog; I do, I has feelings! Secundo, we’ll put some context behind our temporary bout of insanity where we running with the same joke all 10 weaks.
Once upon a time in the first iteration of this column, we would judge the quality of any given instalment by the number of reader comments it elicited: the more the merrier, and the more disrespectful toward the author, the better. In moving this concept to this new home, the goal for this very weakest of CFB columns was to remain the same: judge of the efficacy by the response we get.
But so far, things have stayed pretty quiet on the comments side. A big fat nada, every single week. How can we then forecast the disaster that’s unfolding before our very eyes if our system in place can’t manage to grasp and capture the voice(s) of our silent majority?
And that, folks, is how the US elected Donald J. Trump, a caricature of a caricature, to the Oval Office. And in this scenario, we’re Nate Silver 😦 😦 😦
On to the football side of weak 11 now, we have a truly awful and messy back-to-back Sun Belt games—and we don’t mean that these two games are played one after the other. No, it’s some sort canon round at the karaoke bar gone rogue: two games that start an hour apart from one another, between maybe the four worst teams of the worst CFB conference. Welcome to hell, gentlemen.
Runner-Up Game: New Mexico State Aggies At Arkansas State Red Wolves
There are two ways to look at this CFB game between the New Mexico State Aggies and the Arkansas State Red Wolves: the #nerd or the #taek way.
In the former, you have a game between NMSU, the team with, oh I don’t know, the 128th-ranked special teams unit, the 122nd-ranked defence and that’s ranked 121st overall in the FBS—or maybe it’s actually 125th or 123rd, depending on which advanced stats indicator you choose; and A-State, the team with the 111th-ranked offense, and that’s ranked 96th or 100th.
In the latter, it’s a game between a team that won two games by a combined seven points and got a thorough pantsing in every other of its six games against shitty competition, and a team that lost to Utah State AND Central Arkansas.
There’s no rub, no joke. Fuck both those teams and fuck this game.
The Weakest Of The Week: ULM Warhawks At Georgia State Panthers
Here at last, the definitive answer to that age-old question that’s tormented weaker minds than this one since times immemorial: if a team plays Georgia State in the Georgia Dome but no one is there to witness it… has the tree that’s fallen in the forest made any noise?
Fuck yes it did make noise! Don’t let lame Atlantans tell you otherwise about how no one ever cares about the Panthers and boohoo this little itty bitty cutie team. This team will forever have a shitty home field advantage. Every game the team plays in what is essentially an empty toilet lives on in the tweets, GIFs, Vines, photos, etc., that document the greatness throughout the interwebs.
Fuck Georgia State and its empty stadium, no one would watch you play CFB this weak even if Georgia didn’t play at the same time. (Because fuck Georgia too.)
you could literally hear the ref’s mic echoing in the Georgia Dome last Thursday when Arkansas State was there
now Louisiana fucking Monroe will be there
on a Saturday at fucking 1 pm local time
(I think our esteemed editor is pissed, folks.)
This game takes the turd crown solely based off the sparse attendance it will attract. Anything else is just bonus, like a cherry on top of the shit sundae.