Who’s ever said no to a nice run of Jeopardy?
You know Fargo? Hit and acclaimed 90s movie from the Coen brothers, etc. etc.
Fargo, too, is a current hit and acclaimed television series on FX and, bear with me here because this is a long detour, inspired by the above referenced movie of the same name, drama, character study, etc. etc. In the first season of the show, there’s a guy named Lester who has a poster in his basement that shows a bunch of fishes going one way, and a single one going the other. There’s a writing on the poster that says, What if you’re right and they’re wrong?
Well this column, this is a little like that poster in Fargo…only the exact opposite because we haven’t been right often this CFB season: what if they’re right, and you’re wrong. Cause oh boy we’ve been wrong. Boy oh boy, time and time again we’ve been way the fuck off.
In light of that, we’ve decided to enrol your help, all you three regular readers, to settle on this weak’s weekest game. Call it a game of CFB Jeopardy if you will, only your host has much nicer hair than Alex Trebek.
Runner-Up Game 1: UTEP Miners At Rice Owls
-Let’s start with an easy one. This sport is played weekly (and quite weakly) at schooling institutions across…
-What is Bama. Roll Tide.
-Wrong, now gtfo.
*Fan A leaves*
Now that we’ve identified the Paul Finebaum type, let us move on.
We are looking for a game between two teams with one residing at the bottom of the food chain and the other always pushing the frontiers of idiocy across, and here’s the big hint, the USA.
-What is the game between the Rice Owls and the UTEP Miners, and for the latter I don’t mean the kind you can’t flirt with at a bar. It’s open season here.
-:/…. Get out.
*Fan B leaves*
-As much as it pains me to say, and his asshole uncle joke notwisthanding, your colleague was right. Rice and UTEP are getting beat by double digits with a combined 2-11 conference record. They’re equally shitty but the good news is CFB doesn’t have ties, so one of these bad boys will add to its stellar resume.
Runner-Up Game 2: Texas State Bobcats At New Mexico State Aggies
-Moving right tf on with our last fan, our most dedicated one (and least prone to bad puns). We are looking for a game that pits two teams that are mirror images of one another: one which no one wanted for so long, and another which has been around forever and no one wants right now.
-What is the game between TXST and NMSU. Did you know, the Bobcats and Aggies are like two peas in a wild habitat, two sides of the same shitty sandwich.
-It can be stupid if it’s funny, but not stupid and unfunny. Get out.
-But you’ll be alone.
-That’s my problem.
*Fan C leaves*
-So we’ve indeed highlighted this shitty matchup between what are the 128th-ranked (TXST) and 123rd-ranked (NMSU) FBS teams. Or 128th-ranked and 124th-ranked. Whatever, you get it. Spin it whichever way you want, these are two awful, no good football teams. How could there be a worse matchup?
The Weakest Of The Week: Georgia Southern Eagles At Georgia State Panthers
…And then there was one.
We’ll pick this Georgia Southern versus Georgia State matchup despite your protestations. ’Tis true that this column looks more fondly on a game between two have-nots, one that is likely to end in an 8-6 «win» more so than a 44-2 blowout. And ’tis true that this specific is more likely to turn into the latter than the former.
Still, we persist. This game has going for it the fact that absolutely NO ONE will be on hand at the Georgia Dome to catch it live, because that stadium is where souls go to die. Plus let’s look at the evidence on hand: shall this game turn into a laughable blowout, it will have been between a shitty Georgia State and a thoroughly average, probably even bad Georgia Southern. There’s just no way a team as forgettable as 2016 Georgia Southern should ever blow out anyone. These Eagles, as the saying goes, isn’t soaring high.
Put it this way: maybe you look like George Clooney but if that’s only because you’re standing next to Dany Trejo, then it’s more about him than it is about you. A turd turns every birthwort into a rose—but don’t let that fool your radar.