Forgotten5’s Week 8 Bottom 10: Bad Teams, Bad Mixed Drinks

Here at Forgotten5, we like to tell the untold stories of Group of 5 successes and heartwarming moments.

However, we’d be remiss if we didn’t also cover the other things that provide warmth to G5 fans everywhere during these increasingly brisk autumnal evenings.

Like dumpster fires. Or extremely poorly conceived mixed drinks from that broke-ass college rager you and your friends threw that one night your freshman year.

This week’s Forgotten5 Bottom 10 recommends some of the worst mixed drinks you can possibly imagine to our saddest G5 fanbases.

1. UCONN (1-5) – Gasoline spiked with grain alcohol. For when your average margin of loss is 41.4 points.
2. UTEP (0-6) – Hot Mexican Hooker – Jose Cuervo, tabasco sauce, and tuna juice. The official drink for when you end up in a Juarez back alley/an 18 game losing streak wondering how the f*@$ you got there. Much like having to rely on passing to your fullback to generate offense, equating Louisiana’s tabasco sauce with Mexico doesn’t make any damn sense. But if you’re a UTEP fan and you’re still watching at this point, you might be too drunk to care about the details.
3. San Jose State (0-6) – If you look at the Spartans’ schedule, you’ll realize that they’ve seen some things. FCS loss? Check. Shut out by a P5 team? Check. 5 OT loss? Check. Shot into the stratosphere by an Army cannon? Definitely check. That’s why we give SJSU fans a Kim Jong Un Nuclear Bomb. Not only does it have a little bit of everything–A Big Mac, McDonalds french fries, McDonalds BBQ sauce, a McDonalds apple pie, every flavor of McDonalds milkshakes, and a ton of vodka–but just like nuclear fallout and watching SJSU football, you’ll probably be radioactive after consumption.
4. Texas State (1-5) – Malort, Kentucky Gentleman, and Cough Syrup. I don’t know why I’m drinking this. You don’t know why I’m drinking this. Why is this drink $38? The bartender Larry says I need to stop complaining though since last year’s batch was spiked with hemlock.
5. Rice (1-6) – Some ungodly Huangjiu and Sake mix rotting in a seedy Kowloon side street. When the Rice you’re using is this bad, you might as well imbibe like there’s no tomorrow. Because when you drink this, you’ll probably have no tomorrow. Speaking of…
6. Bowling Green (1-6) – Our unique take on the Dead Man Walking Cocktail. Add the usual ingredients — Jack Daniels, Jaegermeister, and tequila. Since there’s already plenty of brown liquor in here, let’s add some Pumpkin vodka for BGSU’s orange to round out their school colors. RIP Mike Jinks.
7. Kent State (1-6) – Kent, Ohio used to be a manufacturing center, and much like Kent State football, the city’s economic glory days are well behind them. Manufacturing requires cement, so why not wake up the echoes and indulge this tortured analogy by taking a swig of a Cement Mixer? Add some key lime juice and Bailey’s, then marvel as the mixture curdles and hardens in your mouth. Just like KSU’s 22% winning percentage since 2013 does for Golden Flashes fans!
8. New Mexico State (2-5) – Green chile Everclear. Southern New Mexico is the spiritual and physical home of green/red chile everything. Red chile wine, green chile scented candles, you name it. But once in a while an attempt to tie chiles into something jumps the shark. Take green chile Everclear as an example; while it may score lots of points on your personal BAC scale, ultimately there’s really no defense for it.
9. Central Michigan (1-6) – The Fired Up Chips drink, which is really just some crumbled up tortilla chips sprinkled into a pitcher of Fireball. Hey, when you’re averaging only 18 points a game it’s probably safe to say that you’re not putting the most creative product out there.
10. Tie – Old Dominion (1-6)/Western Kentucky (1-5)- Congratulations to the two combatants in this week’s Forgotten 5 Bottom 10 Game of the Century of the Year of the Week! Western Kentucky is awarded a vat of Liquid Cocaine, which is an inexplicable concoction of Jaeger, rumpel, Goldschlager, Bacardi 151 and a splash of Bailey’s. It’s perfect for the unexplainable, such as everyone’s favorite mascot, a close loss to Maine, and a blowout loss to Charlotte. Old Dominion gets a Mac N’ Cheese Shot, which combines the ol’ standby ingredients of macaroni, milk, Velveeta, cheese powder mix, and rum. Perfect for that one rager where people are riding Segways on the walls and sophomores in dinosaur costumes are doing kegstands in your parents’ bedroom, but it all somehow works (just like dive bombing Virginia Tech). Any other time, it’s just completely disgusting.

Drunk in a ditch somewhere and awaiting inclusion: UMASS (2-5), Akron (2-3), UNLV (2-4), South Alabama (2-5), East Carolina (2-4), Tulsa (1-5)