Every Week is a GIFt – Week 1 Edition

Group of 5 Power Rankings in a GIFfy

The Group of 5 has a lot of power rankings. Honestly, I just don’t think they can be done without a GIF. How can I accurately describe my feelings on a team without a crappy 3-second video loop?

I assure you that if you disagree with your rankings that you should take it personally. I purposely ranked your school lower than that other school because I wanted to hurt your feelings. Only the opposite. It’s been a week guys and gals. Feel free to yell at me, but better yet, maybe butter me up and venmo me some cash?

I present to you the inaugural (last?) Group of 5 Power Rankings by GIF.

Let’s. Get. Weird.

Tier 1 (Is that potential mixed with execution I saw??)

1. AP #18 UCF (1-0) AAC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated FAMU 62-0
This Week: vs. FAU

Successfully survived the Rattlers while avoiding the band conflict at the half. More impressively the (not golden) Knights defeated the attempted National Championship trolling by the FAMU social media department. Following up this butt-kicking with a date with the sexy beast that is Lane Kiffin and his fighting hooters should lead to another lopsided non-contest.

2. AP #24 Boise St (1-0) MWC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated FSU 36-31
This Week: vs. Marshall

Those bucking Broncos did it again. Boise St lulled the Seminoles to Tallahassee after summoning the mighty Dorian, teased ’em, and then came back to bop them on the head. The masters of the hydration station outlasted Taggert’s latest group of disappointments as they electrolyted up the scoreboard in the second half. Up next is a date with the Thundering Herd in the Smurf Bowl. We can now finally settle the age-old debate of who would win if a group of Buffalos from the east side and some Broncos from the west side took to the ring. The boys in blue are surely hoping it is a West Side Story.

3. Cincinnati (1-0) AAC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated UCLA 24-14
This Week: @ Ohio State

The Bearcats have to be thrilled with punching the Chippettes all the way back to La La Land. Besides heating up the Kelly coaching seat, the boys from Cincinnati rode an opportunistic defense to victory over the careless Bruins. Fixing a little sloppiness on their own offense is the key to taking down the Buckeyes in week 2. The main key to victory will be watching what FAU did in week 1 against the Buckeyes and then not doing that.

4. App St (1-0) SBC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated ETSU 42-7
This Week: vs. Charlotte

After shaking off the post-Satterfield jitters, the Mountaineers pummeled the helpless Bucs like they were an FBS team. You could say “Hey dude. They were an FBS team.”, but I would only say back “oh..yeah…you’re right”. App State will surely have to do better than no interceptions and no sacks if they want to repeat their pounding of an improved Charlotte team. One thing we know for sure in the battle for Western North Carolina supremacy is that the winning school’s mascot will look like a homeless person.

5. Memphis (1-0) AAC

Last Week: Defeated Ole Miss 15-10
This Week: vs. Southern

The Tigers roughed up Luke Duke and the Rebels and held them under 100 yards both passing and rushing. Even more impressive is that Memphis scored 15 points without a field goal. The top team in Tennessee held the ball for nearly 40 minutes as they sent the Rebel scum back home to Mississippi. Up next is the classic directional school matchup. No really, it is literally an adjective describing a direction. The battle for feline dominion should be a cakewalk for the mighty stripers. (it says stripers. look at it again. I didn’t do anything wrong.)

Tier 2 (Ok, I see you looking good over there…)

6. Army (1-0) IND     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated Rice 14-7
This Week: @ Michigan

The men who laugh at those who ride in ships battered and smashed in the face of #intelectualbrutality and lived to tell about it. The amazing part of this victory is that the winning score was through the air. No report yet if the Air Force will be filing Trademark infringement. Now that we have all replaced our eyeballs after gouging them out during the game we can look ahead to a trip to Ann Arbor. The Knights of darkness will look to contact the President’s newly created “Space Force” to try and stop Michigan OC Josh Gattis’ “speed in space.”

7. Ohio (1-0) MAC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated Rhode Island 41-20
This Week: @ Pitt

THE Ohio University rammed the smallest state in the nation as Nathan Rourke outdueled Vito Priore in a shootout. The defense chose to bend but not break, which is good because otherwise, they would be Western Kentucky. Looking ahead the Robertcats will look to sure up the defense as they head to Pittsburgh. No word yet if Pat Narduzzi will be extra motivated after what Ohio did to his alma mater.

8. Troy (1-0) SBC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated Campbell 43-14
This Week: BYE

Troy decidedly humped the former Fighting Camels who will now change their name to the Quakers. This had to be tough for Mike Minter who while watching this stated they played “like they were John Kasay on a kickoff at the Super Bowl.” The Trojans follow this up with an early bye which likely will provide more challenges than Campbell.

9. Tulane (1-0) AAC     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated FIU 42-14
This Week: @ Auburn

Tulane, Tulane, Tulane, why would you do this to poor Butch Davis?? The Green Crush pummeled the hapless Panthers who looked like they coughed up a hairball while overturning the litter box. Tulane can shoot up this list faster than that last Tequilla shot on Mardi Gras if I can figure out if they are that good or if FIU pooped the bed that much. A game with the Tiggers of Auburn should prove everything needed.

10. Fresno St (0-1) MWC     Prev: —

Last Week: Lost to USC 31-23
This Week: vs. Minnesota

While the bulldogs were sufficiently beaten up in the third quarter they hit J.T. Daniels so hard that they made Jack Sears have instant regret on his transfer portal entry. The bulldogs made a push in the 4th and were a Jorge Reyna interception away from kicking the Men of Troy in the teeth. A visit from the Fleck Family should be just what they need to get back on track. Anytime you can beat the Twins…err…Vikings…err…Timberwolves …err….Wild…ooooooh yea…Golden Gophers you know it is a season turnaround.

11. Wyoming (1-0) MWC     Prev: —

Last Week: Last Week: Defeated Missouri 37-31
This Week: @ Texas St

The Cowboys roped the Tigers and dragged them around. Is Mizzou good? THEY ARE IN THE SEC OF COURSE THEY ARE. Wait, nevermind, just kidding. This game wasn’t as close as the score seems. Wyoming took advantage of the mistake-prone Tigers and sent them back to Missouri in style. A matchup with Texas State should push the Cowpeople (It’s 2019 guys) to 2-0.

Tier 3 (You’re cute. Currently I am in a relationship though…)

12. Utah St (0-1) MWC     Prev: —

Last Week: Lost to Wake Forest 38-35
This Week: vs. Stony Brook

YOU HAD THEM RIGHT WHERE YOU WANTED THEM. UUUUGHGHGHGH. In a shootout for the ages, the Aggies couldn’t stop completing passes to the Demonic Baptist Pastoral Assistants. We should all pity the Rocky Creek that has to absorb their anger this week.

13. Marshall (1-0) W1 CUSA     Prev: —

Last Week: Defeated VMI 56-17
This Week: @ #1 Boise St

The Stormy Bison committed treason by destroying sending the Keydets back to Lexington with their tail between their legs. Is this the cream of the CUSA crop?? Marshall looks to storm (heh, thunder…get it?) the blueberry field and show they belong against the Broncos.

14. BYU (0-1) IND     Prev: —

Last Week: Lost to Utah 30-12
This Week: @ Tennessee

The Holy War didn’t go as planned for the Cougars. Zach Wilson threw two touchdown passes, he just forgot that he was playing for the Mormons. A visit to SEC powerhouse Tennessee should be quite a test…hahahahhahahaha. BYU looks to get back on track against the freeworkers.

15. Houston (0-1) AAC     Prev: —

Last Week: Lost to Oklahoma 49-31
This Week: vs. PVAM

I mean. I’m sorry. Nothing Dana and the boys can do against a pissed off Jalen Hurts. The offense smacked the Sooner Schooner around, but how you stop the Hurts train will be a storyline for everyone this year. The Panthers of Prairie View will likely receive a severe beating and lick their wounds all the way back to their hill country homes.

I see what your saying, let’s stay in touch…

Air Force, Buffalo, Hawaii, North Texas, Southern Miss, Temple, UAB, UTSA, Western Michigan


See you guys early next week.


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